Pastor Darrell Anderson
WHAT LED ME INTO HOMOSEXUALITY
Before I became a Christian, there was a period of time in my life in which I was bi-sexual. I believe that the devil assigned the sexual identity demon to me at a very young age because as a little boy, I loved to comb the hair on a Barbie doll. But, I did not express any feminine qualities. My mother had to hide the doll from me. Also, as a child and as a young adult, I was insecure and had very low self-esteem. I had trouble fitting in and I felt like I did not measure up.
I had issues with women of my own ethnic background. In the African American community in the United States, there is a commonly held belief that all African American men are physically strong, tough and aggressive. As a boy, I believed I wasn’t the strong, tough and aggressive man my community expected me to be. So, I grew up feeling insecure and ashamed. I believed I was not good enough to date a woman in the African American community. I eventually became deeply frustrated with not measuring up to these expectations.
Since I felt that I was not strong, tough and aggressive enough, I could enjoy sex with an African American woman. But, I felt uncomfortable with her as a person. I felt like she was sizing me up and comparing me to other African American men. I later came to understand that most of these women were not doing that. It was just my own insecurities making me think that they were doing that. I grew to the point in which I started hating African American women. I started dating women of other races exclusively. I preferred Caucasian (white) women. When I was with a Caucasian woman, I did not feel the pressure to be strong, tough and aggressive. I felt that she liked me the way I was.
First Lady Lashawn Anderson
I was molested on a continuous basis between the ages of 11 and 12 by a family member. When this happened, it caused my mind to be flooded with random thoughts of fear, shame, guilt, escapism and mistrust. I started self harming by cutting myself. Self-harming occurs when a person uses any type of object like a razor or knife to cut herself. Cutting herself is a method of relieving and silencing the turmoil that is going on inside of her. I would wear baggy clothing to hide and cover up my body so boys wouldn't find me attractive. My father was a Christian man. He raised me and my 3 siblings in church. I am the youngest. My mother struggled with alcoholism for most of her life. As my sibling grew older, they stopped attending church. I continued to go to church with my dad. In the Church, I was active in sunshine band, purity class, youth choir and I stayed involved in many of the activities of the church. Even though I was an active participant in church activities, I struggled with cutting myself, suicidal thoughts, and with flashbacks of the molestation. On Sunday nights, our church used to have devotional testimonial service. During these services, someone would lead a song and then testify of the goodness of the Lord. Many would stand up and talk about how the Lord healed them of tumors and healed them of cancer or delivered them from a spirit of lust. The more I heard the testimonies of the saints, the more I wanted to know if God could make make me whole. At the age of 16, I accepted the Lord as my personal savior. I wanted to know the God they spoke of.
